Lay it down

I can't even bare to look at how long it is since I blogged last...too long! I don't think it was a lack of time but a lack of knowing how on earth I was going to put into words the craziness of my life over the past month! Well I'm back at home for another week and then it starts all over again!

I'm genuinely full of expectation for this new year and have been thoroughly blessed to be back home with family and friends. It has however made me more aware of how different my life is in London from my friends at home...its not better, not worse, just different and I'm feeling more and more aware of that whilst I've been home. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that so many of my friends are getting engaged, are married and even having babies!!...(generally in that order..) and then there's me, in London, trying to build a career in the music industry with no real certainty that I'll ever get where I want to be. People keep telling me that I should be excited, living in London, doing what I love, but the truth is, I'm struggling with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe I have no patience or maybe I'm simply not trusting God...and it pains me to say that it is most likely the latter.

Last night I went to Resonate in the Upper Room and it was great to see everyone after so long and it felt like I'd never left...but I think God had more to say than 'welcome back' so to speak. It was the first time in a very long time that I had been in a room with that many Christians!! A girl that I went to school with sang a song called 'Lay it down' and I was just broken completely and really felt like God was speaking to me and trust me, its been a long time since I've let God get that close; I guess when God has something to say...

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'

Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

A very brief update!

It feels like a long time since I blogged so I thought a quick update was needed. Well, I have a job! Its not the sort of job I thought I'd get when I moved to London but I'm facing the fact that I can't sit around and expect everything to fall into my lap! So I'll be working in the Redback where we do all of our gigs, which is kinda cool as well. I am taking steps to getting a musical job too; a group of us have formed a Function band which is a good source of income if you can get the gigs! Saying all this, I'm struggling to find the time at the moment...we're getting so much thrown at us and its good to be busy but it is really hard and probably the reason I've felt so homesick lately! Seriously, I want to go home!! 

I have so much more going on that I could write about but truth is I'm so tired I can't even bring myself to concentrate on it! Besides, I have to learn Monkey Wrench by Foo Fighters for tonight! Hopefully next week I can write some more.

?????????????

I'm back in London, back in college and still listening to what seems like the same drum riff I heard the day I left!!! Its funny how you get immune to it all. Everytime you walk into the building there are firstly, a group of guitarists standing right at the door, puffing away, so you not only have them but a cloud of smoke to fight your way through. Then you enter the foyer and there are always about 10 drummers, ipods in and a drum pad in front of them, drumming away in their own drummer world! I often wonder what people would say if all the singers sat around and greeted everyone with vocal scales and warm up exercises! I'll let you know if we ever do it!lol! Saying all this of course, its good to be back! Being at home and coming back has brought so many questions to my mind...for example, why is The Saturdays new single so amazing?? Admitting it is the first stage! A more pressing question at the moment is...just what sort of music do I want to go into?? You'd think I would have figured that out by now but I haven't. I grew up listening to Whitney and Mariah, along with pretty much every other pop act that was out in the 90's. I love to write my own songs and accompany myself, and then there's jazz...I love jazz! However, it could quite possibly be the most competitive genre in the music industry! To add to my dilemma, I can't shake off the fact that secretly I'd love to be in Girls Aloud!! (even though I know they get session singers in to do some of their studio sessions...but you didn't hear that from me!). Oh and when we're on the topic of music business secrets, did you know that Leona Lewis actually went to the Brit School!, where Adele, Amy Winehouse and Kate (*shudders*) Nash went! No one ever tells the public that though because, hey, its more profitable to tell us she worked in a call centre and we're such kind people to give this girl a decent future! I do like Leona Lewis but find it hilarious how X Factor plays on these 'sob' stories to get our votes! O my....I really got sidetracked there!

Anyway...back to my dilema! The reason this is at the front of my mind at the moment is that we were recently made aware of an opportunity to be auditioned by some record company who is looking for new talent to sign up. I'm managing to stay completely realistic about it and understand that this is not the be all and end all of opportunities but it got me thinking...how on earth would I market myself if I got the chance to audition?? Yeah I could do a couple of my own pieces and pass myself as a Norah Jones wannabe, but I really don't think I am..I know I'm making light of it, but it really is something that concerns me and it doesn't matter how many people say 'it will all fall into place', I still don't want to mess up any opportunities I do get!

If you're reading this you're probably thinking that my thoughts are erratic and you're right! Tomorrow I'll probably (hopefully) have all of this in perspective, but for now, I don't!

One thing I do have in perspective is that my first priority is my showcase on Monday and to put everything into that! I'm so nervous but very excited!! I'll keep you all posted!

Home

I've been home for a couple of days now and so far its been great! I love London but home will always be home! One of my closest friends was married on Saturday and it was wonderful and very weird at the same time! It seems that every time I think of home or am home, I realise how much uncertainty there is in my life. Now I know none of us have it all figured out and I'm not implying that I'm floating around without ANY direction but its hard sometimes when you know what you want but there's no real guarantee that you'll get it...Watching friends get married and have babies quite frankly scares the crap out of me because that stuff is far into the future for me, if at all!! It seems that even though I've always wanted to break the mould and do my own thing (perhaps sometimes just to be different), settling down at home and finding a job would be comfortable and give me some sense of 'normaility'; if that indeed exists..Aggghhh I hate when I get like this! I want to be a musician, I want a career in the music industry and I've wanted to live in London since I was 11!! I think the issue lies with the fact that i'm not earning any money, I'm not really supporting myself and I HATE that. I mean for someone who craves independence, I'm not quite living up to it..

I'm heading up to Portstewart with a couple of friends so hopefully a bit of North Coast air will help me. I AM looking forward to getting back to London and I've got some exciting things coming up so I will try my best to stay positive.

Please don't think of me as ungrateful..I know I'm in the middle of an amazing opportunity but it's hard sometimes to get the proper perspective.

Mr Mic

Ok, so there are many rules for singers who wish to perform live; but rule number one is probably...don't drop the microphone! During rehearsal with my band I dropped my mic...we all laughed and it still worked so that was fine. The second time however, we still laughed but I could see the thought bubbles amongst my band and imagined they would get together later and find a singer who understood that a mic isn't used to its full potential on the floor!! So.....the third time! Yeah 3 times I dropped it!LOL! We did manage to get some bits of music rehearsed, though not much because the mic spent most of its time off the stage and on the floor!

Later that afternoon, our live performance workshop was running along nicely; I survived Kelly Clarkson's 'Since u been gone' and after about an hour was up doing some backing vocals for my other classmate. No problem there until there he was...my 'nemesis'...mr mic! Ha!! I was adjusting the stand height and out he pops!! This was the worst mic throw of all because he decided to throw himself directly at the monitor! For those of you who aren't aware, that isn't the quietest of sounds when you include feedback into the mix! All I heard amidst my inner cries for the ground to swallow me up, was Dave and Dave from my band (we really should be called Dave) laughing their heads off! It is officially the most embarrassing thing to happen to me on stage and I'm sure there are plenty more to come! So don't worry that you missed it, Mr Mic will return no doubt!

Outside the box

I am soooooo excited!! I'm going home for a few days on Friday and I can't wait!!! 

I'm sitting in one of the music buildings listening to William teaching stage techniques on the lower ground! It is quite possibly the funniest class I have ever been in. He always takes things to the complete extreme with the aim of pushing us outside the box, in terms of our stage presence...and I thought performing was just about having a good voice...ha! Wrong!!lol...he has us following imaginary flying birds, twirling the mic lead in demented circles, trailing the stand across the stage...the list is endless! Today was especially hilarious because we had to pick things that people had to incorporate into their performance and well, we were quite cruel and picked the most ludicrous things! Poor Yuko...we had her spinning around, high kicking the air, falling onto her kness...but the best one was the 'walking down the stairs'...brilliant!!! It was hilarious but its times like these when I wish I had the ability to laugh quietly into myself instead of snorting and guffawing all over the place!! I'm going to get a taste of my own medicine in an hour though because I stupidly booked a private lesson with William (before I realised that he would be making people throw the mic stand around the stage!) I dread to think what he'll make me do!

So basically, these stage techniques classes aren't about turning us into complete demented extroverts on stage, but about pushing us so far out of our comfort zones that in the process we might learn about who we are as a performer. It made me think about the times that God has pushed me outside of my comfort zone on so many occasions and although (like Will's classes!!) it's terrifying, we learn more about ourselves and what we are actually capable of. So I guess, although it seems unnatural at the start, we find a part of us that was there all along....it just takes a mad dive into the audience to find it. Don't worry, no one did that in class today...there's only 9 of us....

Check this out!

Okay, she'll probably kill me for doing this but I just watched my friend Sarah who's on the course with me, on YouTube! I want people to hear her because she's immensely talented and a really sweet girl...so enjoy! 

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=15QsbgYLKyc

Global Peace Festival

My friend and I were chatting yesterday about serving the community; one of her passions apart from music is peace in the our communities and in particular world peace. No, she isn't a beauty pageant contestant but is genuinely committed to this idea that our world could experience peace in our generation. I love talking to her about this stuff because although she wouldn't profess to be a Christian, her ideals far surpass where mine should be sometimes! 

Our chat yesterday turned to our music careers and where exactly our other passions and loves, fit into this music industry bubble we're currently in..I was taken aback slightly when she announced that she wasn't 100% certain that music would be her career path. I've always felt certain that there was nothing else that I would want to do apart from music...I've always been taught to keep my options open but I always felt in my gut (generally a very good and reliable source) that music would be where I found my place. Then I realised that the very reason I want to persue music is not just my love of it but a real desire to serve God in an industry that needs Him. Granted at times I'm selfish and its all about me but ultimately I realise that its for His glory. So we concluded that wherever we end up; recording albums, campaigning for world peace, we want to use music and creativity to make a difference in this world. I know that sounds immensely cheesy but its how I feel at the moment and what good is a gift if you keep it for yourself?

So I would encourage you to check out the website and see what people from all communities and traditions are doing for this cause. Here's the address...

www.globalpeacefestival-uk.org

Positive thinking!

When I wrote my last blog I was just about to go to my band rehearsal and wasn't exactly in the mood; simply because I was exhausted and felt a bit detached, if that makes any sense...I got the feeling that although I hadnt specifically taken time out to let God know how I was feeling, I was aware that He was saying, 'I get it but its going to be ok'! It was a session where we were running through one of our possibilities for our showcase, 'Jumpin' Jack flash' by the Rolling Stones. So we were just setting up and I usually take the longest and all I have is a mic and a lead!!lol Sorry girls...I don't exactly fly the flag for girls and PA set up...but I'm learning! Anyway, so strangely I was set up and just went to the keyboard and started playing 'Easy', you know (like Sunday morning)...I know you're all singing it now! So I was playing and Dave came in on the drums, put a sweet beat behind it and then the bass and guitar started. Sounds really lame but it was kinda cool!! It also reminded me that music (in this place) is the one thing that brings us together (get the lighters out). Its funny how a simple jam like that, made us all ready to at least give our Rolling Stones number a go...and guess what, we actually thought it sounded good! I think yesterday was a tough day for me and today is a bit weird (can't put my finger on it...maybe I'm just a bit homesick). So basically what I realised was that I may not know all these people as weel (yet!) as my friends and family at home, but we're here for the same reasons and enjoy playing music with other musicians.

I think my feelings of stress are down to my expectations of myself as much as anything else. I mean, I feel a lot of the time that I haven't done as much as a lot of other performers on this course in terms of selling myself as a singer, doing demos and having all this fancy recording equipment and just things like that...I know I definately need to talk to God about this and remind myself that if I trust Him, I'll end up where I'm meant to be and it really will be the best thing. Being at vocaltech is a real pathway into the music industry but I'm also realising that it isn't easy and I need to push myself into situations that will help me get to where I'm trying to get...

I'm taking one step forward tonight and heading to a jazz open mic night. I don't think I'm ready to get up and perform....maybe next week..lol

'Stress'

I've had the funniest day!! we had our weekly live performance class and this week we were doing 'Money' by Pink Floyd. For any of you musically minded folk, its in 7/4 time!! Really hard, plus the lyrics are a knightmare! It was funny today because everyone mucked up, including my friend Sarah who lost hope completely(the trick is to carry on and pretend it didn't happen) and during the long guitar solo, she just stood on stage, hand on hip, looking really pissed off! Hilarious! Plus Florence, for whom English isn't her first language, got the lyrics pretty much spot on!! She definately did the best job today and totally put the rest of us to shame! In general we all had such a laugh at each other and ourselves which was a nice change and reminded me not to take myself so seriously! Its so important not to compare ourselves to each other because we're all on our own separate learning curve! So, it was a good afternoon.

It only got better when in our sight singing class we were sightreading radion jingles! Hilarious! Real cheesy ones from the 80's! Believe it or not, as a session singer, radio jingles can be rather profitable!

So ok, it was a good day but I've just finished a rehearsal with my friend and at one point I just flopped over the keyboard out of sheer exhaustion! Don't worry...I'm fine but the days really catch up on you unexpectedly in this place! I came in for 10am, had advanced techniques, advanced concepts, live performance workshop and then sight-singing so the next time I look at my watch its 6pm!! After two hours practice my friend sat me down and attempted to give me a back massage (she's REALLY good) and there is so much tension in my back! I've had this problem for a few years...I just can't relax! not good, especially for singing posture! Why am I telling you this? Well, I guess I just realised how much of the stress I carry, I internalise. I mean, its usually when we say we aren't stressed that we generally are! I need to figure out how to really take time out. I'm still settling in here; its still new and strange and I've heard the same guitar riff from the room nextdoor for about 30 mins now!!! (that didn't really fit in with that sentence but its annoying me so I had to vent!lol

I'm rambling now...so tired but I have a band rehearsal at 10pm! Better go and learn another song!

If anyone has any ideas to help my tension problem...two weeks in the sun, complete isolation?...let me know!

Voytec

Yesterday was a really good day...I'm starting to really enjoy Fridays because I have an hour with my band and a musical director which is always good; we always end up tighter as a unit and plus its always great playing with other musicians! After that I have the day free so I usually go get a coffee (always important) and sit using someone's wireless (thanks whoever you are!). After that I would get a practice room and well...practice.

My friend Sarah came in later and we had a jam on the piano because we're hoping to try a few open mic nights soon. We're so similar, we even have the same naf backing tracks on our i pods such as...well I can't say because we all need our guilty musical pleasures! So it was a good productive day and then I started to make my way up the high street towards home.

A man passed me and he said something to me so I rather reluctantly I have to say, took out my earphones and asked him to repeat himself...his name was Voytec and he was Polish and he simply wanted £1 for some food. Now, we hear this type of question everyday, well most city goers do and I wonder how many times we walk straight past? I know I do and I'm ashamed of this fact because as someone who has been involved with 'Christian outreach', I know very well what some of these people face and go through. I asked myself, how many times am I happy to help a homeless person when I'm with a group of Christians yet I am fully equipped (with the Holy Spirit) to help when its just me! 

He had no home and had been getting abuse from some people in the community. He carried a plastic bag that contained his life basically. I mean, how can I possibly comprehend that sort of existence?? I don't want to get all 'deep' but I have SOOOO much! Anyway so I chatted with him a bit and actually gave him £10 and he actually tried to give it back!!! He said it was too much! We said our goodbyes and the i pod (that I just HAD to have) felt so heavy in my hand as I walked toward my flat. 

So why am I telling you this...I can assure you that it is not to astound you with my compassion but to remind myself that I don't have nearly as much as I should!! I mean, this is what I'm trying to get my head around...I'm in London, in search of a career and will most certainly see many more people like Voytec. Bottom line...people need God and no matter where we are placed, we need to show people God! I think last night reminded me that there is a bigger picture beyond even our calling and I've been so focused on being a part of this music industry that I had forgotten that there's a reason I'm here that is so much more than getting to make music! I don't ever want to put my passion ahead of God's passion, which is simply...people. Of course I want to follow God and it is for His glory ultimately but I guess I just need reminded every so often.

I'm glad I met Voytec and I'm glad that in some small way, I was able to offer him a bit of hope and to him it was probably the fact that he would have food for the next few days! If you read this, please pray for him and maybe the next person who stops you on the street, with a different accent might experience a bit of hope and compassion.

A month in..

Wow! I have a blog! how cool am I??!!

So..a month into my London dream/experience/adventure and its pretty much everything I hoped and prayed it would be! Plus a bit more sometimes. Thats not to say that it has been easy; a lot of you know how stressful it was finding a place to live and it turns out that if you plan on moving on a certain day, you can be sure it will be the day after!! But a minor setback!

I guess with this being my first blog I'll just explain why I've decided to start one. It's predominantly for myself to keep a record of my thoughts and experiences as I study at Vocaltech and to maybe look back and see how I progress. I also thought that for those of you who are interested, you can keep reasonably up to date with my life in London; everything moves so fast here that I scarce get time to digest it all myself!!

If you're expecting a funny blog, I'll try my best, but no promises..maybe I'll put up some funny videos, of when I fall off stage or trip up on a mic lead (all things that DEFINATELY haven't happened...ahem!). 

I'll give you a quick and brief rundown of a typical week at the Tech music school (I want to work as a singer in the music industry if you hadn't guessed already). Basically I'm on the master performance course and there are about 17 singers, guitarists, drummers and wait for it 2 bass players! But they're pretty awesome...shout out to Dave Wademan in my band!! Oh and 4 keyboard players..woops! We have individual classes; technique, rhythm skills, stage techniques (funniest 2 hours of my week with William our southern American), advanced techniques, concepts, sight singing...the list goes on. Then each week we have a live performance workshop where we're given songs to learn (from the record! no music!) and then we perform in a live setting. It's great practice and getting less nerve racking each week. We have private lessons as well which are amazing...one of my teachers Anabelle, you gotta hear this girl! She's really sweet as well! So all of this leads up to our showcase of which we have 6 I think...and here we choose 3 songs to perform in a live venue (the Redback in Acton). The first one of these is in November and I can't wait!! Thats the gist although there's still so much more that we do!

I've made some really good friends already and its so special to be in a place where everyone is passionate about music, the industry and is determined to build a career. Its encouraging to have these people around you and pushing you to be better. Some of the most talented session musicians in London, even Europe...the world maybe!!lol teach us here and I'm learning so much; mostly I have to say about having the right attitude, which isn't easy in such a cut throat business.

I hope that was a bit informative. 

Last night we had a master class with a lady called Sharleen Linton, a successful session singer who has worked with Natasha Bedingfield, Beverly Knight, John Legend, Craig David.... and one thing among many that she said, stuck out for me; she said that you simply need to go for it, grab every opportunity and more importantly, stay true to yourself! Sounds 'cringe city' but its so true and as someone who knows that all of this, however hard it is to understand, fits into Gods plan for my life somehow and if I stick with him and stay true to His bigger picture, i'll hopefully find out more. As i said to Sharleen last night, I've known what I've wanted to do since I was 3 1/2...seriously, it only dawned on me last night and I know not everyone works that way and I've had other ideas in my head as to my future, but ultimately my passion to sing and share music has always been there! Ask anyone at college...say the phrase '9 to 5 job' and you will find singer/guitarist/drummer shaped holes through the walls! lol...i'm just picturing that...

I'm sure these blogs will have highs and lows and for those of you who know the real 'Betty' from Portadown, I would love you're continued prayers. I love being here but no matter how many people are with you each day, its still lonely sometimes and its gonna be tough. I'm still looking for a church family and a job! So you could remember those things.

I love you all and please leave some comments on my blog and if you want, share some of your thoughts!!