When I fall

I arrived back in London last night and am getting ready for another busy term (last one!!!!). I have a 4 hour band rehearsal this afternoon which I'm praying goes well.... I think I've made a very big decision whilst spending time at home over Easter and its probably the best decision I could make at this stage; I've spent too long worrying about the future, wondering why I'm not where I want to be and feeling like I'll never get what I've wanted all my life. I've decided to....wait for it.....be patient! Its strange to say that because I always thought I was, but I guess not enough! I've had such a great time at home catching up with friends and getting lots of encouragement which was much needed! I still miss home like mad but I know that at the moment it isn't where I'm meant to be. 

I was on the plane yesterday and this song came on my ipod which just reminded me how, no matter whether I achieve what I set out to or whether I'm at my lowest, when I fall, I know where I'm landing. We all have times when we feel like God is nowhere around us and doesn't really understand..but He does and I need to keep reminding myself of that. Especially in London where it can be intensely lonely, I forget that I'm never alone.

I really wanted to make an amendment  or really, addition to this blog. This evening I was at a gig in Soho and as usual, everyone was heading out for a few drinks after. I usually would go but tonight I just needed to get home. So after enduring the slagging for going home and being a 'granny'?? Yeah, suddenly wanting to go home sober and get into a nice warm bed makes you a granny! anyway, I just knew that on this occasion something was telling me to call it a night. After nearly getting lost round Soho and eventually finding Piccadilly Circus (I don't know why I went that far either!), I got to the platform and was just watching all these people and thinking about this blog that I had written only this morning and was reminding myself over and over...'you're not alone'! Because there and then, I really felt it! I turned to my right and caught the eye of a guy standing next to me and O my word, we both laughed!; it was my friend Andrew from church back home! I had completely forgotten that he was studying in London! It was lovely to have a chat and find someone from home who lives near me in London! 

The world really IS small and God really DOES want us to know that we're not alone.

  

When I fall - Rachael Lampa

How can I find You

Are You hiding or am I

Should I go or should I wait for a sign

Following Your voice

Walking through a desert night

And I see Your silent storm in the sky

And I stand in my emotion, and I let it be my own

And I know I'm not forsaken

And I'll never be alone

When I fall, when I fall

I know where I'll be landing

When I fall, when I fall

You will still be standing

Somewhere in the silence

I can hear Your broken voice

Like a radio station fading out of range

Somewhere in the crowd

From the corner of my eye

I thought that I could feel You walking by

And when I get this feeling, like I am not so strong

I still can feel You with me

Yeah, You've been there all along

When I fall, when I fall 

I know where I'll be landing 

When I fall, when I fall 

You will still be standing 

When I fall, Yeah 

Somewhere I'm alone

Won't You take my empty hands

And fill them with Your love

Won't You take me as I am

When I fall, when I fall 

I know where I'll be landing 

When I fall, Oh, when I fall 

You will still be standing 

Abduct yourself to free the abducted

On the 25th April I am taking part in a worldwide event organised by INVISIBLE CHILDREN. Who are they? Well, they are an organization seeking to eradicate the abduction of kids in Uganda for the purposes of the ongoing war there. I really urge you to take a look at the website from this link, therescue.invisiblechildren.com , it will explain it much better than me but basically, this is potentially a world changing event that could save the lives of child soldiers in Uganda. 

My brother and his girlfriend will be going to the event in Dublin and so far I am going to the London one on my own...which is cool but the more support we have, the better! The event is in essence a symbolic venture to build awareness. What will happen is, everyone arrives at whatever location is chosen for their particular city (please note that this is worldwide, 10 countries, 100 cities) and then we all move together to another location. This is to symbolise how the kids or child soldiers in Uganda are kidnapped and moved during the night (to make it difficult to find them). So when we all move to another spot, we stay there until we get 'rescued'...hence why this event is called 'The Rescue'. Wait! 

It doesn't end there...of course, we need to be rescued. Now this is the important part; each city worldwide will have high profile politicians and celebrities who will hopefully arrive and rescue us! I say hopefully because it is down to us to contact these people who are listed on each city's specific website and we need media coverage which is as important to organise. London for example has Fern Cotton, Horn and Cordon (Gavin and Stacey guys) and other political representatives and celebrities have been invited but it is up to everyone to make sure they come! This is a peaceful demonstration and if the invited moguls do not show up....basically we will sit tight until they come for us. Although if we encourage them to come, we won't have to do that! Also, at the various camps we will be writing letters, making banners etc...so bring some art supplies to get creative.....

Perhaps the most profound and potentially moving (for me anyway) aspect of the event is that we must bring family photos with us and leave them at the first camp to symbolise our abduction.

There are less than two weeks until this event so sign up now! Please go to the website and find out more, watch the youtube videos and join me on the 25th April!! All you need to do is sign up for your location, bring supplies for camping out (no tents tho)...remember, we are imagining ourselves as captives so bring essentials like food, water, sleeping bag etc...and simply get involved. 

My video bar has a load of cool videos you can check out.

Dead ends..

I've just realised why I haven't blogged in a while and it has nothing to do with time or having too much to write. The truth is, I knew exactly what I needed to write, but didn't feel strong enough to. When I started this blog, I was so full of hope and excitement for what I was doing in London; I felt like even though I wasn't quite there yet, I was on my way to having a career in music. My course is over in a few short months and I've loved it and have learned far more than I would anywhere else, however I'm in a weird place at the moment and I don't like it! 

I don't think many people know what my dreams really are; I can spin all the lines I want to about being realistic and being a session singer etc..but I want to make my own music, I want to be recognised as an artist...a good one! I want to make albums and I want to gig in Ronnie Scotts and jazz clubs in New York. I spend my time at college, learning all this stuff, actually being good enough to do all these things but yet I'm not..and thats what i'm struggling with. Its not about being patient, because I am, believe me! I just didn't think that I would be 24 and NOT doing what I always felt was what I was meant to be doing. I know that I have achieved a lot for example, doing a small demo, setting up myspace etc...and I also know that I should be setting up a band and trying to get gigs but its not easy finding people to commit and it certainly isn't easy because I'm rubbish at asking people to do things for me...I always think, well why would they want to play with me? I have actually applied for loads of jobs with function bands etc...but no one seems to want me so I'm scared because London is so expensive and if I don't start earning money from this...where will I end up? 

I've always been independent and I've always sought to find my own path which is why I'm so frustrated at the minute. I guess in many ways, I don't know what I'm doing wrong and you can fling as many cliches about trusting God and having 'faith' at me as you want because this is all good advice and its advice that I know will ultimately pay off but...

Sometimes I want to slap myself because I have nothing to complain about; I mean in complete honesty, I am fortunate, I'm loved and I have more than I need but I still feel lost. I look around at my friends and family's lives and I know no one has it all sorted but I'm incredibly jealous (which is wrong, I know!); I miss home but yet I don't want to stay here.

At church on Sunday, we were talking about prayer and I became aware, firstly..I don't pray enough (mainly because I lost faith a while ago that God was actually listening) and secondly and probably more importantly, we need to align our prayers with God's plan in order for prayers to be answered. I think sometimes I treat God like a magic genie who should hear my pain and answer with the remedy I believe to be the cure or at least stop the bleeding, but thats not how it works and I'm trying my hardest at the moment to just strip my own plans back and listen to God. Perhaps that will be scary but I'm at the end of the line and I need something to hold onto.

This blog, I find really therapeutic because I don't really know how to put this into words in front of another person. There's only really two people that I've ever been completely honest with and well, they don't live in London. Usually, when I'm talking to other Christians I sugar coat too much just so that I don't appear as selfish as I actually am sometimes. I always feel slightly guilty talking about my own struggles when there are people all over the world in far bigger pits than I'll ever know. Please be reassured however, that there are things that I'm passionate about and care about and long to see God move in, things that aren't about me but I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I'm not doing the best at the moment, despite what people see.

Even if no one reads this, I feel I've been reassured tonight that God has read every word. I just hope I am strong enough to trust in that.

I'll be back very soon...I promise! : )