Dead ends..

I've just realised why I haven't blogged in a while and it has nothing to do with time or having too much to write. The truth is, I knew exactly what I needed to write, but didn't feel strong enough to. When I started this blog, I was so full of hope and excitement for what I was doing in London; I felt like even though I wasn't quite there yet, I was on my way to having a career in music. My course is over in a few short months and I've loved it and have learned far more than I would anywhere else, however I'm in a weird place at the moment and I don't like it! 

I don't think many people know what my dreams really are; I can spin all the lines I want to about being realistic and being a session singer etc..but I want to make my own music, I want to be recognised as an artist...a good one! I want to make albums and I want to gig in Ronnie Scotts and jazz clubs in New York. I spend my time at college, learning all this stuff, actually being good enough to do all these things but yet I'm not..and thats what i'm struggling with. Its not about being patient, because I am, believe me! I just didn't think that I would be 24 and NOT doing what I always felt was what I was meant to be doing. I know that I have achieved a lot for example, doing a small demo, setting up myspace etc...and I also know that I should be setting up a band and trying to get gigs but its not easy finding people to commit and it certainly isn't easy because I'm rubbish at asking people to do things for me...I always think, well why would they want to play with me? I have actually applied for loads of jobs with function bands etc...but no one seems to want me so I'm scared because London is so expensive and if I don't start earning money from this...where will I end up? 

I've always been independent and I've always sought to find my own path which is why I'm so frustrated at the minute. I guess in many ways, I don't know what I'm doing wrong and you can fling as many cliches about trusting God and having 'faith' at me as you want because this is all good advice and its advice that I know will ultimately pay off but...

Sometimes I want to slap myself because I have nothing to complain about; I mean in complete honesty, I am fortunate, I'm loved and I have more than I need but I still feel lost. I look around at my friends and family's lives and I know no one has it all sorted but I'm incredibly jealous (which is wrong, I know!); I miss home but yet I don't want to stay here.

At church on Sunday, we were talking about prayer and I became aware, firstly..I don't pray enough (mainly because I lost faith a while ago that God was actually listening) and secondly and probably more importantly, we need to align our prayers with God's plan in order for prayers to be answered. I think sometimes I treat God like a magic genie who should hear my pain and answer with the remedy I believe to be the cure or at least stop the bleeding, but thats not how it works and I'm trying my hardest at the moment to just strip my own plans back and listen to God. Perhaps that will be scary but I'm at the end of the line and I need something to hold onto.

This blog, I find really therapeutic because I don't really know how to put this into words in front of another person. There's only really two people that I've ever been completely honest with and well, they don't live in London. Usually, when I'm talking to other Christians I sugar coat too much just so that I don't appear as selfish as I actually am sometimes. I always feel slightly guilty talking about my own struggles when there are people all over the world in far bigger pits than I'll ever know. Please be reassured however, that there are things that I'm passionate about and care about and long to see God move in, things that aren't about me but I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I'm not doing the best at the moment, despite what people see.

Even if no one reads this, I feel I've been reassured tonight that God has read every word. I just hope I am strong enough to trust in that.

I'll be back very soon...I promise! : )