Keeping in touch

I've just spent about 2 hours upgrading my phone!! So many choices...mostly colour ones I have to admit. I went for red in case anyone is interested. Girly purple was a bit too 'girly'; we need to keep a good balance of overtly girly stuff! So the phone is just another step in my continuation to embrace technology because I have to say, I'm getting a bit addicted or maybe its procrastination but I love this whole social networking thing. Twitter being my latest venture, although no one is actually following what I post so fingers crossed..

This got me thinking today, how important these things actually are...I mean, as one of the guys from Invisible Children said, what has this generation got a leg up on other generations over...and that is definitely technology. We have so many outlets to voice our opinions, advertise gigs or whatever...just being ourselves as well I guess. I never thought that I would jump onto the Facebook bandwagon, I mean, who wants to hear what I'm up to...but its strange how we yearn to be heard and its amazing how interested we are in other people's lives. Now, perhaps we delve into dangerous territory and risk becoming self involved but I genuinely believe that its pretty cool to embrace who we are and let people see us for that. 

I was thinking the other day about this whole letting people see us for who we are...and perhaps the biggest thing about social networking isn't pushing our personalities but finding common ground with others. Personally, most of my Facebooking involves people from my music course and there's a great sense of common ground amongst musicians because we tend to be in the same boat most of the time and regardless as to whether we chat about music stuff, I still feel close to my friends in that sense. Look at the whole status comment phenomenon...how many of us write comments in reply to others or state that we 'like' this? It's ridiculous when we think about it.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I genuinely find it fascinating how progressive generations have found new and maybe sometimes ridiculous ways of keeping in touch like Facebook or Twitter..I don't count Bebo because its, well, crap! 

Last night whilst watching Doubt, I remembered a sermon the priest in it spoke on. He said about how 'doubt' can often be a more powerful tool in bringing people together than our certainty. I completely agree with this because, isn't everyone lost at various points in their lives? Isn't it the one stand out thing that unites us as people? I think so. As a christian, I believe that church is important, I believe that honesty is important and I believe that it is important to get alongside people when they 'doubt' or when they fall or when they feel ashamed because THAT is our human common ground; its not our musical taste or what team we support, its not even whether you liked the colour of phone that I picked. 

Our humanness will always be what brings us together....and I think that is a powerful thing.

Perfect timing

A lot of very exciting things have been happening in my life over the past few weeks. The Rescue with Invisible Children was one of them and although we've done the rescue...there's so much more to be done. I was in tears this morning as I watched the Oprah Winfry show from Friday where she had the Chicago rescue riders on! What an impact that has made and perfect timing; those guys who camped out for 6 nights awaiting rescue have truly inspired me and when I was reading another blog, I have been encouraged by this idea of holding out for something. I mean, those guys could have gotten rescued on the first night...but they wouldn't have ended up on Oprah and so it overwhelms me sometimes just how perfect Gods timing really is.

So The Rescue and in particular Chicago, has helped me realise a lot, which leads me onto my other exciting matter. About a week and a half ago, I received a message on my myspace page from a guy in northern Ireland who is a jazz promoter/agent. I have known of this guy's reputation for years and he was always someone whom I wanted to hear me sing but I never had the confidence to push myself forward like that. Anyway, it completely took me by surprise...after years and especially the past few months since moving to London, of frustration about my future as a musician. You only have to read my blogs up until this point to understand just how down I was about what on earth i was going to end up doing, because as far as i was concerned, God wasn't really listening and I was somewhat confused as to why, after working so hard for years to be the musician I want to be, I wasn't where I expected to be...

I'm sure you understand but any fellow musicians or people trying to make a living out of live music, will heart wrenchingly know what I'm talking about. So this is why I was so surprised by this message. To cut a long story short, after my course is finished, I will be coming back to Northern Ireland. I don't want to say very much at the moment but its all looking really positive and I'm still in shock because I've waiting a long time for an opportunity like this!

I guess this is why this idea of perfect timing has become so real to me again after so long because when you're holding out for something and laying your self on the line so to speak, when things don't happen when you want, you begin to think they won't happen at all. That is what I have found terrifying in recent years, but I always knew the passion was still there so I had no reason to doubt God wanted to use it. My friend reminded me the other day that it may not look the way I imagined it, but if God's involved it will be the best thing...

Its a very exciting time for me at the moment and I plan to make the most of every opportunity London still has to offer and hopefully, I could be back over there in the future. I've learned a lot and God has been so good to me, ALL THE TIME and I admit that at times I didn't have any faith in that...

So, for anyone who has dreams, don't give up! God may change the course a bit, throw in sum potholes, but ultimately he knows the best route and the journey is never over. Plenty more potholes to come I'm sure!

When I fall

I arrived back in London last night and am getting ready for another busy term (last one!!!!). I have a 4 hour band rehearsal this afternoon which I'm praying goes well.... I think I've made a very big decision whilst spending time at home over Easter and its probably the best decision I could make at this stage; I've spent too long worrying about the future, wondering why I'm not where I want to be and feeling like I'll never get what I've wanted all my life. I've decided to....wait for it.....be patient! Its strange to say that because I always thought I was, but I guess not enough! I've had such a great time at home catching up with friends and getting lots of encouragement which was much needed! I still miss home like mad but I know that at the moment it isn't where I'm meant to be. 

I was on the plane yesterday and this song came on my ipod which just reminded me how, no matter whether I achieve what I set out to or whether I'm at my lowest, when I fall, I know where I'm landing. We all have times when we feel like God is nowhere around us and doesn't really understand..but He does and I need to keep reminding myself of that. Especially in London where it can be intensely lonely, I forget that I'm never alone.

I really wanted to make an amendment  or really, addition to this blog. This evening I was at a gig in Soho and as usual, everyone was heading out for a few drinks after. I usually would go but tonight I just needed to get home. So after enduring the slagging for going home and being a 'granny'?? Yeah, suddenly wanting to go home sober and get into a nice warm bed makes you a granny! anyway, I just knew that on this occasion something was telling me to call it a night. After nearly getting lost round Soho and eventually finding Piccadilly Circus (I don't know why I went that far either!), I got to the platform and was just watching all these people and thinking about this blog that I had written only this morning and was reminding myself over and over...'you're not alone'! Because there and then, I really felt it! I turned to my right and caught the eye of a guy standing next to me and O my word, we both laughed!; it was my friend Andrew from church back home! I had completely forgotten that he was studying in London! It was lovely to have a chat and find someone from home who lives near me in London! 

The world really IS small and God really DOES want us to know that we're not alone.

  

When I fall - Rachael Lampa

How can I find You

Are You hiding or am I

Should I go or should I wait for a sign

Following Your voice

Walking through a desert night

And I see Your silent storm in the sky

And I stand in my emotion, and I let it be my own

And I know I'm not forsaken

And I'll never be alone

When I fall, when I fall

I know where I'll be landing

When I fall, when I fall

You will still be standing

Somewhere in the silence

I can hear Your broken voice

Like a radio station fading out of range

Somewhere in the crowd

From the corner of my eye

I thought that I could feel You walking by

And when I get this feeling, like I am not so strong

I still can feel You with me

Yeah, You've been there all along

When I fall, when I fall 

I know where I'll be landing 

When I fall, when I fall 

You will still be standing 

When I fall, Yeah 

Somewhere I'm alone

Won't You take my empty hands

And fill them with Your love

Won't You take me as I am

When I fall, when I fall 

I know where I'll be landing 

When I fall, Oh, when I fall 

You will still be standing 

Abduct yourself to free the abducted

On the 25th April I am taking part in a worldwide event organised by INVISIBLE CHILDREN. Who are they? Well, they are an organization seeking to eradicate the abduction of kids in Uganda for the purposes of the ongoing war there. I really urge you to take a look at the website from this link, therescue.invisiblechildren.com , it will explain it much better than me but basically, this is potentially a world changing event that could save the lives of child soldiers in Uganda. 

My brother and his girlfriend will be going to the event in Dublin and so far I am going to the London one on my own...which is cool but the more support we have, the better! The event is in essence a symbolic venture to build awareness. What will happen is, everyone arrives at whatever location is chosen for their particular city (please note that this is worldwide, 10 countries, 100 cities) and then we all move together to another location. This is to symbolise how the kids or child soldiers in Uganda are kidnapped and moved during the night (to make it difficult to find them). So when we all move to another spot, we stay there until we get 'rescued'...hence why this event is called 'The Rescue'. Wait! 

It doesn't end there...of course, we need to be rescued. Now this is the important part; each city worldwide will have high profile politicians and celebrities who will hopefully arrive and rescue us! I say hopefully because it is down to us to contact these people who are listed on each city's specific website and we need media coverage which is as important to organise. London for example has Fern Cotton, Horn and Cordon (Gavin and Stacey guys) and other political representatives and celebrities have been invited but it is up to everyone to make sure they come! This is a peaceful demonstration and if the invited moguls do not show up....basically we will sit tight until they come for us. Although if we encourage them to come, we won't have to do that! Also, at the various camps we will be writing letters, making banners etc...so bring some art supplies to get creative.....

Perhaps the most profound and potentially moving (for me anyway) aspect of the event is that we must bring family photos with us and leave them at the first camp to symbolise our abduction.

There are less than two weeks until this event so sign up now! Please go to the website and find out more, watch the youtube videos and join me on the 25th April!! All you need to do is sign up for your location, bring supplies for camping out (no tents tho)...remember, we are imagining ourselves as captives so bring essentials like food, water, sleeping bag etc...and simply get involved. 

My video bar has a load of cool videos you can check out.

Dead ends..

I've just realised why I haven't blogged in a while and it has nothing to do with time or having too much to write. The truth is, I knew exactly what I needed to write, but didn't feel strong enough to. When I started this blog, I was so full of hope and excitement for what I was doing in London; I felt like even though I wasn't quite there yet, I was on my way to having a career in music. My course is over in a few short months and I've loved it and have learned far more than I would anywhere else, however I'm in a weird place at the moment and I don't like it! 

I don't think many people know what my dreams really are; I can spin all the lines I want to about being realistic and being a session singer etc..but I want to make my own music, I want to be recognised as an artist...a good one! I want to make albums and I want to gig in Ronnie Scotts and jazz clubs in New York. I spend my time at college, learning all this stuff, actually being good enough to do all these things but yet I'm not..and thats what i'm struggling with. Its not about being patient, because I am, believe me! I just didn't think that I would be 24 and NOT doing what I always felt was what I was meant to be doing. I know that I have achieved a lot for example, doing a small demo, setting up myspace etc...and I also know that I should be setting up a band and trying to get gigs but its not easy finding people to commit and it certainly isn't easy because I'm rubbish at asking people to do things for me...I always think, well why would they want to play with me? I have actually applied for loads of jobs with function bands etc...but no one seems to want me so I'm scared because London is so expensive and if I don't start earning money from this...where will I end up? 

I've always been independent and I've always sought to find my own path which is why I'm so frustrated at the minute. I guess in many ways, I don't know what I'm doing wrong and you can fling as many cliches about trusting God and having 'faith' at me as you want because this is all good advice and its advice that I know will ultimately pay off but...

Sometimes I want to slap myself because I have nothing to complain about; I mean in complete honesty, I am fortunate, I'm loved and I have more than I need but I still feel lost. I look around at my friends and family's lives and I know no one has it all sorted but I'm incredibly jealous (which is wrong, I know!); I miss home but yet I don't want to stay here.

At church on Sunday, we were talking about prayer and I became aware, firstly..I don't pray enough (mainly because I lost faith a while ago that God was actually listening) and secondly and probably more importantly, we need to align our prayers with God's plan in order for prayers to be answered. I think sometimes I treat God like a magic genie who should hear my pain and answer with the remedy I believe to be the cure or at least stop the bleeding, but thats not how it works and I'm trying my hardest at the moment to just strip my own plans back and listen to God. Perhaps that will be scary but I'm at the end of the line and I need something to hold onto.

This blog, I find really therapeutic because I don't really know how to put this into words in front of another person. There's only really two people that I've ever been completely honest with and well, they don't live in London. Usually, when I'm talking to other Christians I sugar coat too much just so that I don't appear as selfish as I actually am sometimes. I always feel slightly guilty talking about my own struggles when there are people all over the world in far bigger pits than I'll ever know. Please be reassured however, that there are things that I'm passionate about and care about and long to see God move in, things that aren't about me but I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I'm not doing the best at the moment, despite what people see.

Even if no one reads this, I feel I've been reassured tonight that God has read every word. I just hope I am strong enough to trust in that.

I'll be back very soon...I promise! : )

How He loves

My last blog entry I was expecting to be a short blip and my sentiments are still very much the same.....but! I love buts (careful now)....I have a had a bit of a turnaround in my thinking and I know that friends are praying for me over in London and I can really feel it. I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying my best to keep talking to God about what I'm searching for and how I'm feeling in general. Its strange to say all of this because as far as the course goes, I'm doing really well and enjoying it. Perhaps i'm realising more and more that i'm never going to be fully satisfied unless god is at the centre. I guess thats basic Christianity but I'm still learning..

The biggest blessing this week has mostly been how busy I've been; I've been doing some fairly random stuff! Singing reggae for one...quite bizarre but fun, i'm currently working on a lullaby version of Gwen Steffanis 'Hollaback girl'.....again bizarre but fun and generally a lot of band rehearsals for the next showcase in a few weeks. So it doesn't really stop which has been good for me this week. I did take an evening off on Wednesday and went to see '7 Pounds' with some of my gal pals and it was strangely therapeutic to ball your eyes out in a cinema!

I wrote last time about feeling disappointed with my marks for the gig, but I actually did great when I spoke to my stage techniques teacher. He is someone who really sticks up for me and is always encouraging. He basically said that the only persons opinion who really matters is mine and that if I was proud of my arrangements and performance then it was really great. So i'm feeling much more positive in that respect.

I'm sitting in my favourite cafe with my free wireless!! Love it! A very good friend had sent me a link of a song which has quite literally blown me away and I think its something I need to keep reminding myself. Its funny how sometimes I doubt that God understands me and really question what He does. As I said, i'm taking each day as it comes and hoping that God makes things clear as I continue to trust Him. So this video feels like Gods way of making sure I know that I'm loved and no one is more concerned with me and my future than Him! Check out the vid in my video bar.

Speak to you soon

x

........

I've had a pretty rubbish couple of weeks since I've been back in London..(if I'm completely honest). I had flu and am just starting to get back on track now, I've had a showcase to prepare for and too many other things that I've missed when sick. It's all getting too much and I'm struggling! It's weird for me to be so honest about that because I usually just pretend that everything is ok. My showcase went well on Monday...or so I thought at the time but I'm just feeling a bit disappointed with some of the feedback so far. Of course, I'm here to learn and constructive criticism is good but sometimes when you work sooooo hard, you kinda expect a bit of praise in return. Perhaps i'm too niave...

I'm missing home and I've been talking to friends on the phone, trying my very best not to break down because I just want to be near them and get a decent hug! I think its very easy for me to get lost in this music world and be slightly institutionalized! Yesterday my friend Sarah and I were trying to get people to come and watch Obama's inauguration but no one seemed interested! Now that shocked me and angered me slightly because the one thing I'm trying to hold onto is the fact that I want to be a professional musician and have some level of success...BUT I want to care about the wider world and find what God has planned for me outside of all this music. It scares me that a lot of my peers weren't interested in this historic event...but thats another story.

Every day recently, I'm just feeling more and more disconnected from all the things I've loved for so long, like family, friends and home; but I've ended up feeling lost and a bit lonely. In other words...its not how I expected to feel.

I was reading 97 seconds with God and I'm taking this verse with me today..

''Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things'' Colossions 3v2