How the light gets in

Sometimes I think, why would anyone want to read what I have to say. This is one of those times, so have a read at this guys blog instead...

http://howthelightgetsin.net/2010/08/22/days-that-matter/?ref=nf

The Robinsons

I. LOVE. these. guys!!!

Tomorrow is Paul and Brits wedding party for all the family and friends who didn't make it out to Detroit for the wedding. I'm really excited; not just so I can wear a funky dress with jelly shoes (yep thats what I said) but because I take great delight in these two and want to celebrate with them...again.

I'm a family person 100% and seeing two people step out and be brave enough to start their own family is pretty awesome! Paul and Brit are so perfect for each other and their relationship is so God centred, it makes me realise that I don't want to settle for anything less.

Paul and I have always been close and I guess after our Dad died we, even if we didn't always do it intentionally, we always looked out for one another. He's a guy who loves Jesus and is being changed and moulded by God all the time! He is also hands down (and I don't say this flippantly) the most hilarious person I know!!

So this girl Brit?...Wow, just, wow. Love her so so much. She loves Jesus, loves laughing, is incredibly wise, and does the best shoulder dance I've ever seen! I don't pour my heart out to people too often and Brit has definitely seen me with my heart on my sleeve. I've been spoilt this summer to have had my new sister around and will miss her loads but its almost worth it just to have a Brittany greeting at the airport!!

Ok, enough gushing but I wanted to write a little blog on two great people because affirmation is important and we should NEVER take people for granted!

Love you guys!

Sarah

On Tuesday one of my best friends died. Sarah Hanna was a truly special girl and wonderfully made in the image of God. She was selfless, compassionate, talented and always believed in me and supported me. I loved her with a love that aches and am privileged and blessed to have had her in my life. These are some of my fondest memories and I will store them in my heart and praise God for them.

I remember...one of our first conversations, at the Tech Music Schools freshers night in Camden Lock. Annabel Williams, one of our vocal teachers was performing and after only 30 seconds Sarah and I turned to one another, smiled in an excited way and couldn't wait to learn a few things from the lovely and talented Annabel.

I remember...booking practice rooms and plugging our mics into the PA and singing through our cheesiest backing tracks and some not so cheesy. Our affinity with India Arie's 'Ready for love' was cool and I'll think of Sarah everytime I sing it.

I remember...the first time I heard her sing! Beautiful is not a worthy enough word. She was such a talented singer and piano player and I learned so much from her!

I remember...sitting in the cafe, stealing Wi-Fi and chatting about myspace and watching the video of her singing 'Listen' by Beyonce. She told me I need to get some videos up on Youtube! I must get round to doing that!

I remember...our tradition of getting a full English breakfast in the middle of the afternoon and trying to persuade them to just top up the tea pot with hot water and not charge us for a new pot!

I remember...all the times that Sarah stayed over at my flat during our year at tech because she lived quite far out. Even though she stayed at least once a week she never came prepared! I was always joking about buying her pyjamas, a toothbrush and general over night essentials and giving her a drawer at mine! Everytime I wear my green Abercrombie hoodie I'll think of Sarah because it always kept her warm when she stayed over.

I remember...the joy when she rang at 11pm asking could she trouble me by staying the night?...'get your ass over here girl' was always my response. I miss our late night chats and laughing, alongside numerous cups of tea!!

I remember...being involved with the Global Peace celebrations in London with her and her family and friends. We sang with Ola Onabule and it was such an honour to be part of the event, even though I was ill and had to rush home after...but Sarah still phoned me to see if I was ok.

I remember...the first time I met her sisters; so much fun and so lovely. I pray we will remain friends.

I remember...meeting her Dad because Sarah was so proud of him and greeted him with a huge hug. Family always came first with Sarah...it was just how she rolled. Sarah has shown me that there are more important things than careers and even this music industry that we were all so eager to be part of. Her passion and heart was for helping people and whether that was in music or something else, it was a road she would follow.

I remember...chatting about God and community and so I shared my faith with her and then we talked about music (as we usually did) and I played her some Foy Vance and Nichole Nordeman on the ipod.

I remember...when she cut her hair and how even more stunning she looked (if that was possible). She made me laugh because she insisted on wearing extensions sometimes.

I remember...only a few months into my move to London, I was living on my own and had the flu. Even though I had made other friends, she was the only one I felt I could ask to bring me some supplies...she arrived at my door with a hug, painkillers, honey, lemon, pastries and proceeded to make me some tea and looked after me. I will never forget that.

I remember...when Sarah taught me the chords to 'To make you feel my love' by Bob Dillan and we recorded it on garageband!

I remember...when we planned to go down to the Spice of Life and do their open mic and sing our acoustic version of 'About you now' by the Sugababes...circumstance meant that we never got round to it but I went one night on my own and it just wasn't the same.

I remember...how she used to call me Baby Boo.

I remember...going to the restaurant in Tower Bridge where she played piano every Friday and Saturday night. I sang a few tunes and didn't have to pay for my dinner!

I remember...after only knowing each other a week or two, she sent me a birthday card with the most lovely message inside saying that it was lovely to meet me and that she was looking forward to getting to know me better...It was then that I knew I'd made a special friend and was grateful to God for allowing our paths to cross.

I remember...during our live performance workshop one week, she forgot the words to the song and wasn't for continuing or perhaps in the mood for bluffing her way through like the rest of us did..so she stood with her hand on her hip for the rest of the song. It was the funniest thing!

I remember...getting a lift with Annabel to her gig at the Vortex Jazz Club with Sarah and Suse...Noel Sullivan from Hear'Say was in the front seat!! I'll never forget the laugh we had that night and how we sang Il Divo songs on the way home!

I remember...how she always encouraged me to just sound like me!

I remember...her surprise and impromptu visits to my flat, especially the night I was heading out to work and was stressing over my eyeliner! She was always amazing at eye-makeup so she did it for me.

I remember...letting her stay in the flat on occasion while I went out for my shifts at the Redback. She loved being able to make herself at home and left me a note one time which I still have!

I remember...getting ready for our showcases round at mine.

I remember...when I visited Sarah in the rehabilitation centre; in the midst of her struggle, she was still asking the other patients how they were and what they were up to. I've learned how to be a better friend because of Sarah.

I remember...the first time she stayed over at mine and in the morning we were drinking tea and she read some Pride and Prejudice to us. Sarah, 'Netherfield Park is let at last!'

My lovely, beautiful friend Sarah. I'll never forget any of these times we shared. You have blessed my life and all I have is gratitude to offer to God for placing you in it!

Much love,

Baby Boo x

John Mayer 'Belief'

Here's another video for your listening AND viewing pleasure! Mr John Mayer at Brixton Academy 2 years ago. I'm off to hear him play tonight at the Hammersmith Appollo so it seems like a good time to share this video. I'm continuing with my series of videos that I've loved over the years and I'm rather proud of this one coz I took it! Its not awesome quality but it will always remind me of a great evening in my musical education! Enjoy!

Awake my soul

Every now and then, I hear a song that stirs something inside me. I'm moved by music all the time but you know the songs that just make your insides ache in a really good way?! Well, 'Awake my soul' by Mumford and Sons is one such song for me and when I first heard it I thought, thats a real God song. I have no idea where this band stand on their belief in God or Jesus or if they have any but 'awake my soul' is a powerful lyric nonetheless. Even the style of their music; the rawness and simplicity of it draws me back to the small and feeble prayers of the human soul that I've uttered on so many occassions. One thing I do know is that Jesus loves our prayers even and especially when they are filled with questions! I hope you enjoy the video.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

Mi Mancherai

As I was checking my emails this morning and Facebook of course, I realised that a day doesn't go by where I don't check out a video that someone has posted. Hence, I've decided to post a series of my favourite videos I've found or been directed to by people. I don't think they'll need much introduction; they are what they are I guess. So here's the first...it never fails to move me and is just one of the many reasons I still have faith in the music industry. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJwNS-FPXOI

Corrie ten Boom

'God has planned no problem...there's never a panic in heaven'

We recently did a series in church about the heroes of the Christian faith and the woman quoted above is a lady called Corrie ten Boom who died in 1983. In 1940 she and her family were involved in the Dutch underground where they hid refugess and rescued many Jews from death during the Haulocaust. Her story is so powerful and has reminded me that God's truth really does shine brightest in dark times. I haven't read her book yet but its on the list. She shares so many amazing stories of God's provision in supernatural ways. She carried around with her a spirit of thankfulness in the most horrible situation; she used to give thanks for the fleas that surrounded them as they hid and it turns out that was the very reason the guards never came into their space and so they were able to have their services and share Jesus with everyone.

The reason I'm sharing Corrie with you is that there was one other thing that she talked about which has meant a lot to me recently. She used to talk about getting on the train with her father when she was a child. Her father would keep hold of her ticket until they were just about to get on and then give it to her. I always forget that God will provide for me just at the moment I need it most. Isn't that amazing, that God knows when we are most in need and gives us what we need. At the moment I'm still struggling with earning money and I'm praying for so many thing but god knows when I will truly need it. My friends Val and Brit are in the middle of a situation regarding finding a house. They have a deadline and I'm know God will provide for them!

The greatest thing I have learned, probably thus far in my Christian walk is that God wants me to seek his provision, to actually pray and discern over my desires....and ask for them! Why is it we always assume that God doesn't want us to have something and we don't seek it because we feel selfish. Gods agenda for us doesn't include lacking, pain, sickness, depression, poverty...we will have to endure these things at times but never to the point of breaking. We just have to wait patiently for a time when God is going to fix it. In the meantime though, lets pray against the darkness around us like Corrie did and expect God to show up!

'God has planned no problem...there's never a panic in heaven' Corrie ten Boom

Keeping in touch

I've just spent about 2 hours upgrading my phone!! So many choices...mostly colour ones I have to admit. I went for red in case anyone is interested. Girly purple was a bit too 'girly'; we need to keep a good balance of overtly girly stuff! So the phone is just another step in my continuation to embrace technology because I have to say, I'm getting a bit addicted or maybe its procrastination but I love this whole social networking thing. Twitter being my latest venture, although no one is actually following what I post so fingers crossed..

This got me thinking today, how important these things actually are...I mean, as one of the guys from Invisible Children said, what has this generation got a leg up on other generations over...and that is definitely technology. We have so many outlets to voice our opinions, advertise gigs or whatever...just being ourselves as well I guess. I never thought that I would jump onto the Facebook bandwagon, I mean, who wants to hear what I'm up to...but its strange how we yearn to be heard and its amazing how interested we are in other people's lives. Now, perhaps we delve into dangerous territory and risk becoming self involved but I genuinely believe that its pretty cool to embrace who we are and let people see us for that. 

I was thinking the other day about this whole letting people see us for who we are...and perhaps the biggest thing about social networking isn't pushing our personalities but finding common ground with others. Personally, most of my Facebooking involves people from my music course and there's a great sense of common ground amongst musicians because we tend to be in the same boat most of the time and regardless as to whether we chat about music stuff, I still feel close to my friends in that sense. Look at the whole status comment phenomenon...how many of us write comments in reply to others or state that we 'like' this? It's ridiculous when we think about it.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I genuinely find it fascinating how progressive generations have found new and maybe sometimes ridiculous ways of keeping in touch like Facebook or Twitter..I don't count Bebo because its, well, crap! 

Last night whilst watching Doubt, I remembered a sermon the priest in it spoke on. He said about how 'doubt' can often be a more powerful tool in bringing people together than our certainty. I completely agree with this because, isn't everyone lost at various points in their lives? Isn't it the one stand out thing that unites us as people? I think so. As a christian, I believe that church is important, I believe that honesty is important and I believe that it is important to get alongside people when they 'doubt' or when they fall or when they feel ashamed because THAT is our human common ground; its not our musical taste or what team we support, its not even whether you liked the colour of phone that I picked. 

Our humanness will always be what brings us together....and I think that is a powerful thing.

Perfect timing

A lot of very exciting things have been happening in my life over the past few weeks. The Rescue with Invisible Children was one of them and although we've done the rescue...there's so much more to be done. I was in tears this morning as I watched the Oprah Winfry show from Friday where she had the Chicago rescue riders on! What an impact that has made and perfect timing; those guys who camped out for 6 nights awaiting rescue have truly inspired me and when I was reading another blog, I have been encouraged by this idea of holding out for something. I mean, those guys could have gotten rescued on the first night...but they wouldn't have ended up on Oprah and so it overwhelms me sometimes just how perfect Gods timing really is.

So The Rescue and in particular Chicago, has helped me realise a lot, which leads me onto my other exciting matter. About a week and a half ago, I received a message on my myspace page from a guy in northern Ireland who is a jazz promoter/agent. I have known of this guy's reputation for years and he was always someone whom I wanted to hear me sing but I never had the confidence to push myself forward like that. Anyway, it completely took me by surprise...after years and especially the past few months since moving to London, of frustration about my future as a musician. You only have to read my blogs up until this point to understand just how down I was about what on earth i was going to end up doing, because as far as i was concerned, God wasn't really listening and I was somewhat confused as to why, after working so hard for years to be the musician I want to be, I wasn't where I expected to be...

I'm sure you understand but any fellow musicians or people trying to make a living out of live music, will heart wrenchingly know what I'm talking about. So this is why I was so surprised by this message. To cut a long story short, after my course is finished, I will be coming back to Northern Ireland. I don't want to say very much at the moment but its all looking really positive and I'm still in shock because I've waiting a long time for an opportunity like this!

I guess this is why this idea of perfect timing has become so real to me again after so long because when you're holding out for something and laying your self on the line so to speak, when things don't happen when you want, you begin to think they won't happen at all. That is what I have found terrifying in recent years, but I always knew the passion was still there so I had no reason to doubt God wanted to use it. My friend reminded me the other day that it may not look the way I imagined it, but if God's involved it will be the best thing...

Its a very exciting time for me at the moment and I plan to make the most of every opportunity London still has to offer and hopefully, I could be back over there in the future. I've learned a lot and God has been so good to me, ALL THE TIME and I admit that at times I didn't have any faith in that...

So, for anyone who has dreams, don't give up! God may change the course a bit, throw in sum potholes, but ultimately he knows the best route and the journey is never over. Plenty more potholes to come I'm sure!

When I fall

I arrived back in London last night and am getting ready for another busy term (last one!!!!). I have a 4 hour band rehearsal this afternoon which I'm praying goes well.... I think I've made a very big decision whilst spending time at home over Easter and its probably the best decision I could make at this stage; I've spent too long worrying about the future, wondering why I'm not where I want to be and feeling like I'll never get what I've wanted all my life. I've decided to....wait for it.....be patient! Its strange to say that because I always thought I was, but I guess not enough! I've had such a great time at home catching up with friends and getting lots of encouragement which was much needed! I still miss home like mad but I know that at the moment it isn't where I'm meant to be. 

I was on the plane yesterday and this song came on my ipod which just reminded me how, no matter whether I achieve what I set out to or whether I'm at my lowest, when I fall, I know where I'm landing. We all have times when we feel like God is nowhere around us and doesn't really understand..but He does and I need to keep reminding myself of that. Especially in London where it can be intensely lonely, I forget that I'm never alone.

I really wanted to make an amendment  or really, addition to this blog. This evening I was at a gig in Soho and as usual, everyone was heading out for a few drinks after. I usually would go but tonight I just needed to get home. So after enduring the slagging for going home and being a 'granny'?? Yeah, suddenly wanting to go home sober and get into a nice warm bed makes you a granny! anyway, I just knew that on this occasion something was telling me to call it a night. After nearly getting lost round Soho and eventually finding Piccadilly Circus (I don't know why I went that far either!), I got to the platform and was just watching all these people and thinking about this blog that I had written only this morning and was reminding myself over and over...'you're not alone'! Because there and then, I really felt it! I turned to my right and caught the eye of a guy standing next to me and O my word, we both laughed!; it was my friend Andrew from church back home! I had completely forgotten that he was studying in London! It was lovely to have a chat and find someone from home who lives near me in London! 

The world really IS small and God really DOES want us to know that we're not alone.

  

When I fall - Rachael Lampa

How can I find You

Are You hiding or am I

Should I go or should I wait for a sign

Following Your voice

Walking through a desert night

And I see Your silent storm in the sky

And I stand in my emotion, and I let it be my own

And I know I'm not forsaken

And I'll never be alone

When I fall, when I fall

I know where I'll be landing

When I fall, when I fall

You will still be standing

Somewhere in the silence

I can hear Your broken voice

Like a radio station fading out of range

Somewhere in the crowd

From the corner of my eye

I thought that I could feel You walking by

And when I get this feeling, like I am not so strong

I still can feel You with me

Yeah, You've been there all along

When I fall, when I fall 

I know where I'll be landing 

When I fall, when I fall 

You will still be standing 

When I fall, Yeah 

Somewhere I'm alone

Won't You take my empty hands

And fill them with Your love

Won't You take me as I am

When I fall, when I fall 

I know where I'll be landing 

When I fall, Oh, when I fall 

You will still be standing 

Abduct yourself to free the abducted

On the 25th April I am taking part in a worldwide event organised by INVISIBLE CHILDREN. Who are they? Well, they are an organization seeking to eradicate the abduction of kids in Uganda for the purposes of the ongoing war there. I really urge you to take a look at the website from this link, therescue.invisiblechildren.com , it will explain it much better than me but basically, this is potentially a world changing event that could save the lives of child soldiers in Uganda. 

My brother and his girlfriend will be going to the event in Dublin and so far I am going to the London one on my own...which is cool but the more support we have, the better! The event is in essence a symbolic venture to build awareness. What will happen is, everyone arrives at whatever location is chosen for their particular city (please note that this is worldwide, 10 countries, 100 cities) and then we all move together to another location. This is to symbolise how the kids or child soldiers in Uganda are kidnapped and moved during the night (to make it difficult to find them). So when we all move to another spot, we stay there until we get 'rescued'...hence why this event is called 'The Rescue'. Wait! 

It doesn't end there...of course, we need to be rescued. Now this is the important part; each city worldwide will have high profile politicians and celebrities who will hopefully arrive and rescue us! I say hopefully because it is down to us to contact these people who are listed on each city's specific website and we need media coverage which is as important to organise. London for example has Fern Cotton, Horn and Cordon (Gavin and Stacey guys) and other political representatives and celebrities have been invited but it is up to everyone to make sure they come! This is a peaceful demonstration and if the invited moguls do not show up....basically we will sit tight until they come for us. Although if we encourage them to come, we won't have to do that! Also, at the various camps we will be writing letters, making banners etc...so bring some art supplies to get creative.....

Perhaps the most profound and potentially moving (for me anyway) aspect of the event is that we must bring family photos with us and leave them at the first camp to symbolise our abduction.

There are less than two weeks until this event so sign up now! Please go to the website and find out more, watch the youtube videos and join me on the 25th April!! All you need to do is sign up for your location, bring supplies for camping out (no tents tho)...remember, we are imagining ourselves as captives so bring essentials like food, water, sleeping bag etc...and simply get involved. 

My video bar has a load of cool videos you can check out.

Dead ends..

I've just realised why I haven't blogged in a while and it has nothing to do with time or having too much to write. The truth is, I knew exactly what I needed to write, but didn't feel strong enough to. When I started this blog, I was so full of hope and excitement for what I was doing in London; I felt like even though I wasn't quite there yet, I was on my way to having a career in music. My course is over in a few short months and I've loved it and have learned far more than I would anywhere else, however I'm in a weird place at the moment and I don't like it! 

I don't think many people know what my dreams really are; I can spin all the lines I want to about being realistic and being a session singer etc..but I want to make my own music, I want to be recognised as an artist...a good one! I want to make albums and I want to gig in Ronnie Scotts and jazz clubs in New York. I spend my time at college, learning all this stuff, actually being good enough to do all these things but yet I'm not..and thats what i'm struggling with. Its not about being patient, because I am, believe me! I just didn't think that I would be 24 and NOT doing what I always felt was what I was meant to be doing. I know that I have achieved a lot for example, doing a small demo, setting up myspace etc...and I also know that I should be setting up a band and trying to get gigs but its not easy finding people to commit and it certainly isn't easy because I'm rubbish at asking people to do things for me...I always think, well why would they want to play with me? I have actually applied for loads of jobs with function bands etc...but no one seems to want me so I'm scared because London is so expensive and if I don't start earning money from this...where will I end up? 

I've always been independent and I've always sought to find my own path which is why I'm so frustrated at the minute. I guess in many ways, I don't know what I'm doing wrong and you can fling as many cliches about trusting God and having 'faith' at me as you want because this is all good advice and its advice that I know will ultimately pay off but...

Sometimes I want to slap myself because I have nothing to complain about; I mean in complete honesty, I am fortunate, I'm loved and I have more than I need but I still feel lost. I look around at my friends and family's lives and I know no one has it all sorted but I'm incredibly jealous (which is wrong, I know!); I miss home but yet I don't want to stay here.

At church on Sunday, we were talking about prayer and I became aware, firstly..I don't pray enough (mainly because I lost faith a while ago that God was actually listening) and secondly and probably more importantly, we need to align our prayers with God's plan in order for prayers to be answered. I think sometimes I treat God like a magic genie who should hear my pain and answer with the remedy I believe to be the cure or at least stop the bleeding, but thats not how it works and I'm trying my hardest at the moment to just strip my own plans back and listen to God. Perhaps that will be scary but I'm at the end of the line and I need something to hold onto.

This blog, I find really therapeutic because I don't really know how to put this into words in front of another person. There's only really two people that I've ever been completely honest with and well, they don't live in London. Usually, when I'm talking to other Christians I sugar coat too much just so that I don't appear as selfish as I actually am sometimes. I always feel slightly guilty talking about my own struggles when there are people all over the world in far bigger pits than I'll ever know. Please be reassured however, that there are things that I'm passionate about and care about and long to see God move in, things that aren't about me but I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I'm not doing the best at the moment, despite what people see.

Even if no one reads this, I feel I've been reassured tonight that God has read every word. I just hope I am strong enough to trust in that.

I'll be back very soon...I promise! : )

How He loves

My last blog entry I was expecting to be a short blip and my sentiments are still very much the same.....but! I love buts (careful now)....I have a had a bit of a turnaround in my thinking and I know that friends are praying for me over in London and I can really feel it. I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying my best to keep talking to God about what I'm searching for and how I'm feeling in general. Its strange to say all of this because as far as the course goes, I'm doing really well and enjoying it. Perhaps i'm realising more and more that i'm never going to be fully satisfied unless god is at the centre. I guess thats basic Christianity but I'm still learning..

The biggest blessing this week has mostly been how busy I've been; I've been doing some fairly random stuff! Singing reggae for one...quite bizarre but fun, i'm currently working on a lullaby version of Gwen Steffanis 'Hollaback girl'.....again bizarre but fun and generally a lot of band rehearsals for the next showcase in a few weeks. So it doesn't really stop which has been good for me this week. I did take an evening off on Wednesday and went to see '7 Pounds' with some of my gal pals and it was strangely therapeutic to ball your eyes out in a cinema!

I wrote last time about feeling disappointed with my marks for the gig, but I actually did great when I spoke to my stage techniques teacher. He is someone who really sticks up for me and is always encouraging. He basically said that the only persons opinion who really matters is mine and that if I was proud of my arrangements and performance then it was really great. So i'm feeling much more positive in that respect.

I'm sitting in my favourite cafe with my free wireless!! Love it! A very good friend had sent me a link of a song which has quite literally blown me away and I think its something I need to keep reminding myself. Its funny how sometimes I doubt that God understands me and really question what He does. As I said, i'm taking each day as it comes and hoping that God makes things clear as I continue to trust Him. So this video feels like Gods way of making sure I know that I'm loved and no one is more concerned with me and my future than Him! Check out the vid in my video bar.

Speak to you soon

x

........

I've had a pretty rubbish couple of weeks since I've been back in London..(if I'm completely honest). I had flu and am just starting to get back on track now, I've had a showcase to prepare for and too many other things that I've missed when sick. It's all getting too much and I'm struggling! It's weird for me to be so honest about that because I usually just pretend that everything is ok. My showcase went well on Monday...or so I thought at the time but I'm just feeling a bit disappointed with some of the feedback so far. Of course, I'm here to learn and constructive criticism is good but sometimes when you work sooooo hard, you kinda expect a bit of praise in return. Perhaps i'm too niave...

I'm missing home and I've been talking to friends on the phone, trying my very best not to break down because I just want to be near them and get a decent hug! I think its very easy for me to get lost in this music world and be slightly institutionalized! Yesterday my friend Sarah and I were trying to get people to come and watch Obama's inauguration but no one seemed interested! Now that shocked me and angered me slightly because the one thing I'm trying to hold onto is the fact that I want to be a professional musician and have some level of success...BUT I want to care about the wider world and find what God has planned for me outside of all this music. It scares me that a lot of my peers weren't interested in this historic event...but thats another story.

Every day recently, I'm just feeling more and more disconnected from all the things I've loved for so long, like family, friends and home; but I've ended up feeling lost and a bit lonely. In other words...its not how I expected to feel.

I was reading 97 seconds with God and I'm taking this verse with me today..

''Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things'' Colossions 3v2

Lay it down

I can't even bare to look at how long it is since I blogged last...too long! I don't think it was a lack of time but a lack of knowing how on earth I was going to put into words the craziness of my life over the past month! Well I'm back at home for another week and then it starts all over again!

I'm genuinely full of expectation for this new year and have been thoroughly blessed to be back home with family and friends. It has however made me more aware of how different my life is in London from my friends at home...its not better, not worse, just different and I'm feeling more and more aware of that whilst I've been home. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that so many of my friends are getting engaged, are married and even having babies!!...(generally in that order..) and then there's me, in London, trying to build a career in the music industry with no real certainty that I'll ever get where I want to be. People keep telling me that I should be excited, living in London, doing what I love, but the truth is, I'm struggling with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe I have no patience or maybe I'm simply not trusting God...and it pains me to say that it is most likely the latter.

Last night I went to Resonate in the Upper Room and it was great to see everyone after so long and it felt like I'd never left...but I think God had more to say than 'welcome back' so to speak. It was the first time in a very long time that I had been in a room with that many Christians!! A girl that I went to school with sang a song called 'Lay it down' and I was just broken completely and really felt like God was speaking to me and trust me, its been a long time since I've let God get that close; I guess when God has something to say...

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'

Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

A very brief update!

It feels like a long time since I blogged so I thought a quick update was needed. Well, I have a job! Its not the sort of job I thought I'd get when I moved to London but I'm facing the fact that I can't sit around and expect everything to fall into my lap! So I'll be working in the Redback where we do all of our gigs, which is kinda cool as well. I am taking steps to getting a musical job too; a group of us have formed a Function band which is a good source of income if you can get the gigs! Saying all this, I'm struggling to find the time at the moment...we're getting so much thrown at us and its good to be busy but it is really hard and probably the reason I've felt so homesick lately! Seriously, I want to go home!! 

I have so much more going on that I could write about but truth is I'm so tired I can't even bring myself to concentrate on it! Besides, I have to learn Monkey Wrench by Foo Fighters for tonight! Hopefully next week I can write some more.

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I'm back in London, back in college and still listening to what seems like the same drum riff I heard the day I left!!! Its funny how you get immune to it all. Everytime you walk into the building there are firstly, a group of guitarists standing right at the door, puffing away, so you not only have them but a cloud of smoke to fight your way through. Then you enter the foyer and there are always about 10 drummers, ipods in and a drum pad in front of them, drumming away in their own drummer world! I often wonder what people would say if all the singers sat around and greeted everyone with vocal scales and warm up exercises! I'll let you know if we ever do it!lol! Saying all this of course, its good to be back! Being at home and coming back has brought so many questions to my mind...for example, why is The Saturdays new single so amazing?? Admitting it is the first stage! A more pressing question at the moment is...just what sort of music do I want to go into?? You'd think I would have figured that out by now but I haven't. I grew up listening to Whitney and Mariah, along with pretty much every other pop act that was out in the 90's. I love to write my own songs and accompany myself, and then there's jazz...I love jazz! However, it could quite possibly be the most competitive genre in the music industry! To add to my dilemma, I can't shake off the fact that secretly I'd love to be in Girls Aloud!! (even though I know they get session singers in to do some of their studio sessions...but you didn't hear that from me!). Oh and when we're on the topic of music business secrets, did you know that Leona Lewis actually went to the Brit School!, where Adele, Amy Winehouse and Kate (*shudders*) Nash went! No one ever tells the public that though because, hey, its more profitable to tell us she worked in a call centre and we're such kind people to give this girl a decent future! I do like Leona Lewis but find it hilarious how X Factor plays on these 'sob' stories to get our votes! O my....I really got sidetracked there!

Anyway...back to my dilema! The reason this is at the front of my mind at the moment is that we were recently made aware of an opportunity to be auditioned by some record company who is looking for new talent to sign up. I'm managing to stay completely realistic about it and understand that this is not the be all and end all of opportunities but it got me thinking...how on earth would I market myself if I got the chance to audition?? Yeah I could do a couple of my own pieces and pass myself as a Norah Jones wannabe, but I really don't think I am..I know I'm making light of it, but it really is something that concerns me and it doesn't matter how many people say 'it will all fall into place', I still don't want to mess up any opportunities I do get!

If you're reading this you're probably thinking that my thoughts are erratic and you're right! Tomorrow I'll probably (hopefully) have all of this in perspective, but for now, I don't!

One thing I do have in perspective is that my first priority is my showcase on Monday and to put everything into that! I'm so nervous but very excited!! I'll keep you all posted!

Home

I've been home for a couple of days now and so far its been great! I love London but home will always be home! One of my closest friends was married on Saturday and it was wonderful and very weird at the same time! It seems that every time I think of home or am home, I realise how much uncertainty there is in my life. Now I know none of us have it all figured out and I'm not implying that I'm floating around without ANY direction but its hard sometimes when you know what you want but there's no real guarantee that you'll get it...Watching friends get married and have babies quite frankly scares the crap out of me because that stuff is far into the future for me, if at all!! It seems that even though I've always wanted to break the mould and do my own thing (perhaps sometimes just to be different), settling down at home and finding a job would be comfortable and give me some sense of 'normaility'; if that indeed exists..Aggghhh I hate when I get like this! I want to be a musician, I want a career in the music industry and I've wanted to live in London since I was 11!! I think the issue lies with the fact that i'm not earning any money, I'm not really supporting myself and I HATE that. I mean for someone who craves independence, I'm not quite living up to it..

I'm heading up to Portstewart with a couple of friends so hopefully a bit of North Coast air will help me. I AM looking forward to getting back to London and I've got some exciting things coming up so I will try my best to stay positive.

Please don't think of me as ungrateful..I know I'm in the middle of an amazing opportunity but it's hard sometimes to get the proper perspective.

Mr Mic

Ok, so there are many rules for singers who wish to perform live; but rule number one is probably...don't drop the microphone! During rehearsal with my band I dropped my mic...we all laughed and it still worked so that was fine. The second time however, we still laughed but I could see the thought bubbles amongst my band and imagined they would get together later and find a singer who understood that a mic isn't used to its full potential on the floor!! So.....the third time! Yeah 3 times I dropped it!LOL! We did manage to get some bits of music rehearsed, though not much because the mic spent most of its time off the stage and on the floor!

Later that afternoon, our live performance workshop was running along nicely; I survived Kelly Clarkson's 'Since u been gone' and after about an hour was up doing some backing vocals for my other classmate. No problem there until there he was...my 'nemesis'...mr mic! Ha!! I was adjusting the stand height and out he pops!! This was the worst mic throw of all because he decided to throw himself directly at the monitor! For those of you who aren't aware, that isn't the quietest of sounds when you include feedback into the mix! All I heard amidst my inner cries for the ground to swallow me up, was Dave and Dave from my band (we really should be called Dave) laughing their heads off! It is officially the most embarrassing thing to happen to me on stage and I'm sure there are plenty more to come! So don't worry that you missed it, Mr Mic will return no doubt!

Outside the box

I am soooooo excited!! I'm going home for a few days on Friday and I can't wait!!! 

I'm sitting in one of the music buildings listening to William teaching stage techniques on the lower ground! It is quite possibly the funniest class I have ever been in. He always takes things to the complete extreme with the aim of pushing us outside the box, in terms of our stage presence...and I thought performing was just about having a good voice...ha! Wrong!!lol...he has us following imaginary flying birds, twirling the mic lead in demented circles, trailing the stand across the stage...the list is endless! Today was especially hilarious because we had to pick things that people had to incorporate into their performance and well, we were quite cruel and picked the most ludicrous things! Poor Yuko...we had her spinning around, high kicking the air, falling onto her kness...but the best one was the 'walking down the stairs'...brilliant!!! It was hilarious but its times like these when I wish I had the ability to laugh quietly into myself instead of snorting and guffawing all over the place!! I'm going to get a taste of my own medicine in an hour though because I stupidly booked a private lesson with William (before I realised that he would be making people throw the mic stand around the stage!) I dread to think what he'll make me do!

So basically, these stage techniques classes aren't about turning us into complete demented extroverts on stage, but about pushing us so far out of our comfort zones that in the process we might learn about who we are as a performer. It made me think about the times that God has pushed me outside of my comfort zone on so many occasions and although (like Will's classes!!) it's terrifying, we learn more about ourselves and what we are actually capable of. So I guess, although it seems unnatural at the start, we find a part of us that was there all along....it just takes a mad dive into the audience to find it. Don't worry, no one did that in class today...there's only 9 of us....