How He loves

My last blog entry I was expecting to be a short blip and my sentiments are still very much the same.....but! I love buts (careful now)....I have a had a bit of a turnaround in my thinking and I know that friends are praying for me over in London and I can really feel it. I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying my best to keep talking to God about what I'm searching for and how I'm feeling in general. Its strange to say all of this because as far as the course goes, I'm doing really well and enjoying it. Perhaps i'm realising more and more that i'm never going to be fully satisfied unless god is at the centre. I guess thats basic Christianity but I'm still learning..

The biggest blessing this week has mostly been how busy I've been; I've been doing some fairly random stuff! Singing reggae for one...quite bizarre but fun, i'm currently working on a lullaby version of Gwen Steffanis 'Hollaback girl'.....again bizarre but fun and generally a lot of band rehearsals for the next showcase in a few weeks. So it doesn't really stop which has been good for me this week. I did take an evening off on Wednesday and went to see '7 Pounds' with some of my gal pals and it was strangely therapeutic to ball your eyes out in a cinema!

I wrote last time about feeling disappointed with my marks for the gig, but I actually did great when I spoke to my stage techniques teacher. He is someone who really sticks up for me and is always encouraging. He basically said that the only persons opinion who really matters is mine and that if I was proud of my arrangements and performance then it was really great. So i'm feeling much more positive in that respect.

I'm sitting in my favourite cafe with my free wireless!! Love it! A very good friend had sent me a link of a song which has quite literally blown me away and I think its something I need to keep reminding myself. Its funny how sometimes I doubt that God understands me and really question what He does. As I said, i'm taking each day as it comes and hoping that God makes things clear as I continue to trust Him. So this video feels like Gods way of making sure I know that I'm loved and no one is more concerned with me and my future than Him! Check out the vid in my video bar.

Speak to you soon

x

........

I've had a pretty rubbish couple of weeks since I've been back in London..(if I'm completely honest). I had flu and am just starting to get back on track now, I've had a showcase to prepare for and too many other things that I've missed when sick. It's all getting too much and I'm struggling! It's weird for me to be so honest about that because I usually just pretend that everything is ok. My showcase went well on Monday...or so I thought at the time but I'm just feeling a bit disappointed with some of the feedback so far. Of course, I'm here to learn and constructive criticism is good but sometimes when you work sooooo hard, you kinda expect a bit of praise in return. Perhaps i'm too niave...

I'm missing home and I've been talking to friends on the phone, trying my very best not to break down because I just want to be near them and get a decent hug! I think its very easy for me to get lost in this music world and be slightly institutionalized! Yesterday my friend Sarah and I were trying to get people to come and watch Obama's inauguration but no one seemed interested! Now that shocked me and angered me slightly because the one thing I'm trying to hold onto is the fact that I want to be a professional musician and have some level of success...BUT I want to care about the wider world and find what God has planned for me outside of all this music. It scares me that a lot of my peers weren't interested in this historic event...but thats another story.

Every day recently, I'm just feeling more and more disconnected from all the things I've loved for so long, like family, friends and home; but I've ended up feeling lost and a bit lonely. In other words...its not how I expected to feel.

I was reading 97 seconds with God and I'm taking this verse with me today..

''Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things'' Colossions 3v2

Lay it down

I can't even bare to look at how long it is since I blogged last...too long! I don't think it was a lack of time but a lack of knowing how on earth I was going to put into words the craziness of my life over the past month! Well I'm back at home for another week and then it starts all over again!

I'm genuinely full of expectation for this new year and have been thoroughly blessed to be back home with family and friends. It has however made me more aware of how different my life is in London from my friends at home...its not better, not worse, just different and I'm feeling more and more aware of that whilst I've been home. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that so many of my friends are getting engaged, are married and even having babies!!...(generally in that order..) and then there's me, in London, trying to build a career in the music industry with no real certainty that I'll ever get where I want to be. People keep telling me that I should be excited, living in London, doing what I love, but the truth is, I'm struggling with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe I have no patience or maybe I'm simply not trusting God...and it pains me to say that it is most likely the latter.

Last night I went to Resonate in the Upper Room and it was great to see everyone after so long and it felt like I'd never left...but I think God had more to say than 'welcome back' so to speak. It was the first time in a very long time that I had been in a room with that many Christians!! A girl that I went to school with sang a song called 'Lay it down' and I was just broken completely and really felt like God was speaking to me and trust me, its been a long time since I've let God get that close; I guess when God has something to say...

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'

Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.