Lay it down

I can't even bare to look at how long it is since I blogged last...too long! I don't think it was a lack of time but a lack of knowing how on earth I was going to put into words the craziness of my life over the past month! Well I'm back at home for another week and then it starts all over again!

I'm genuinely full of expectation for this new year and have been thoroughly blessed to be back home with family and friends. It has however made me more aware of how different my life is in London from my friends at home...its not better, not worse, just different and I'm feeling more and more aware of that whilst I've been home. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that so many of my friends are getting engaged, are married and even having babies!!...(generally in that order..) and then there's me, in London, trying to build a career in the music industry with no real certainty that I'll ever get where I want to be. People keep telling me that I should be excited, living in London, doing what I love, but the truth is, I'm struggling with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe I have no patience or maybe I'm simply not trusting God...and it pains me to say that it is most likely the latter.

Last night I went to Resonate in the Upper Room and it was great to see everyone after so long and it felt like I'd never left...but I think God had more to say than 'welcome back' so to speak. It was the first time in a very long time that I had been in a room with that many Christians!! A girl that I went to school with sang a song called 'Lay it down' and I was just broken completely and really felt like God was speaking to me and trust me, its been a long time since I've let God get that close; I guess when God has something to say...

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'

Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

A very brief update!

It feels like a long time since I blogged so I thought a quick update was needed. Well, I have a job! Its not the sort of job I thought I'd get when I moved to London but I'm facing the fact that I can't sit around and expect everything to fall into my lap! So I'll be working in the Redback where we do all of our gigs, which is kinda cool as well. I am taking steps to getting a musical job too; a group of us have formed a Function band which is a good source of income if you can get the gigs! Saying all this, I'm struggling to find the time at the moment...we're getting so much thrown at us and its good to be busy but it is really hard and probably the reason I've felt so homesick lately! Seriously, I want to go home!! 

I have so much more going on that I could write about but truth is I'm so tired I can't even bring myself to concentrate on it! Besides, I have to learn Monkey Wrench by Foo Fighters for tonight! Hopefully next week I can write some more.

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I'm back in London, back in college and still listening to what seems like the same drum riff I heard the day I left!!! Its funny how you get immune to it all. Everytime you walk into the building there are firstly, a group of guitarists standing right at the door, puffing away, so you not only have them but a cloud of smoke to fight your way through. Then you enter the foyer and there are always about 10 drummers, ipods in and a drum pad in front of them, drumming away in their own drummer world! I often wonder what people would say if all the singers sat around and greeted everyone with vocal scales and warm up exercises! I'll let you know if we ever do it!lol! Saying all this of course, its good to be back! Being at home and coming back has brought so many questions to my mind...for example, why is The Saturdays new single so amazing?? Admitting it is the first stage! A more pressing question at the moment is...just what sort of music do I want to go into?? You'd think I would have figured that out by now but I haven't. I grew up listening to Whitney and Mariah, along with pretty much every other pop act that was out in the 90's. I love to write my own songs and accompany myself, and then there's jazz...I love jazz! However, it could quite possibly be the most competitive genre in the music industry! To add to my dilemma, I can't shake off the fact that secretly I'd love to be in Girls Aloud!! (even though I know they get session singers in to do some of their studio sessions...but you didn't hear that from me!). Oh and when we're on the topic of music business secrets, did you know that Leona Lewis actually went to the Brit School!, where Adele, Amy Winehouse and Kate (*shudders*) Nash went! No one ever tells the public that though because, hey, its more profitable to tell us she worked in a call centre and we're such kind people to give this girl a decent future! I do like Leona Lewis but find it hilarious how X Factor plays on these 'sob' stories to get our votes! O my....I really got sidetracked there!

Anyway...back to my dilema! The reason this is at the front of my mind at the moment is that we were recently made aware of an opportunity to be auditioned by some record company who is looking for new talent to sign up. I'm managing to stay completely realistic about it and understand that this is not the be all and end all of opportunities but it got me thinking...how on earth would I market myself if I got the chance to audition?? Yeah I could do a couple of my own pieces and pass myself as a Norah Jones wannabe, but I really don't think I am..I know I'm making light of it, but it really is something that concerns me and it doesn't matter how many people say 'it will all fall into place', I still don't want to mess up any opportunities I do get!

If you're reading this you're probably thinking that my thoughts are erratic and you're right! Tomorrow I'll probably (hopefully) have all of this in perspective, but for now, I don't!

One thing I do have in perspective is that my first priority is my showcase on Monday and to put everything into that! I'm so nervous but very excited!! I'll keep you all posted!